At some stage in our lives, we all reach a turning point. I’ve had several of them. In other words – I’ve been going in circles.
For over a year now, I’ve just haven’t really been participating in life. I wish I could blame med school’s notoriously time-consuming courses, but it’s more than that.
I mean, I’ve always found it difficult to connect with people. It’s been that way since I was young, but as I grew older, I started cutting myself off from all but a handful of people. I suppose I grew tired of having to play pretend with everyone. There is a limit to how long you can pretend to be as happy as everyone expects you to be.
It’s so much easier to slip slowly into the shadows. Everyone is busy enough with their own lives that no one will notice. Besides, when you’ve turned the world into background noise it’s more difficult to hear your problems rattle around in your head.
However, I’m starting to feel that maybe I do want to participate in life. Maybe there is a way for me to be present and engaged without feeling as if I have to play pretend. When you think about it, you should never have to play pretend in the first place.
You’re probably rolling your eyes going, “Duh, why didn’t you figure that out sooner?”. Well, in my defence, I was raised and socialised to believe that showing vulnerability or weakness is wrong. You have to show everyone how strong you are. I’m sure some of you can relate to that. Then, to compound that attitude, medical culture dictates that if you show even a glimpse of weakness, they (staff, classmates, etc.) will pounce and devour you.
But vulnerability is not a bad thing. No one is perfect and strong all the time. Isolating yourself because of perceived weakness is the real problem. I did exactly that for such a long time. Part of why I started blogging, I think, is because I felt alone; I felt this overwhelming sensation that no matter what I did, I wouldn’t be able to reach a single soul.
For a while now I’ve been feeling stuck and so, so bored with the route my life has taken. This past week, those feeling have been amplified. I feel that now, more than ever, I need to escape the monotony of life and start moving forward again. I want a turn-around. I just haven’t quite figured out how to do that yet. All I know is that I want to be present. I want to connect to people. I want to stop feeling vulnerable and afraid all the time.
In short, I want to start living again.