Posted in Perspectives

Why Do I Still Care?

The past few months have been deeply introspective. I learnt so much about myself it was terrifying. This whole time, there’s this person curled up in a ball at the back of my mind slowly wilting away. I’d wrapped myself up in so much pretence I think (for my family, for my classmates, for everyone really) that I ended up blocking out all the light. I let the most beatiful version of myself, the one without all the bells and whistles, crumble to pieces in the dark.  Slowly, I’ve wanted to bring her into the light.

But, my life is still static. A million things have changed inside me since the beginning of this journey, but on the outside, everything is exactly the same. Why? I so badly want the world to see through this veneer. I want them to meet the crumbling girl and maybe help mend her. Why am I still holding back then?

I hate it. I absolutely hate to admit that even though I keep saying that I don’t care what people think, it’s the one thing that’s holding me back. I am absolutely terrified of being judged. I wasn’t always. I don’t know when this fear began to consume me. And I don’t know when how to stop it from doing that.

I wish I knew how not to care. I wish I could be unapologetic. I wish. I wish. I wish.

I suppose now that I’ve completed this journey of self-discovery, I don’t get to rest. I need to embark on another. I need to learn how to care a little less about what other people think and care a little more about whether I’ll be able to live with myself if all I do with my life is try to live up to other people’s expectations.

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